Interpersonal communication – What makes it effective, and what undermines it

As a Topic Expert for Personal Development Course at Università Cattolica del Sacro Cuore – International Management Class – Faculty of Economics and Law, I have to present to the class some topic that are still not present in the textbooks but have a huge impact on understanding what is a real “effective communication”.

Books are always written to spread the knowledge of some sort of pioneer in the field, so at this moment in history it is normal that what I talk about and do for work, is a total innovation. I have not yet published an official “textbook” on my work, but it’s in the works!

The full Speech held for the Personal Development Course at Università Cattolica del Sacro Cuore – International Management Class – Faculty of Economics and Law in February 2021 is available only to Patreons, here you will find 3 extracts to enjoy.

 

Here is the first part of the Video about the Speech held for the Personal Development Course at Università Cattolica del Sacro Cuore – International Management Class – Faculty of Economics and Law in February 2021:

 

Here is the transcript of the First Part of the Speech held for the Personal Development Course at Università Cattolica del Sacro Cuore – International Management Class – Faculty of Economics and Law in February 2021.

Professor Roberta Virtuani: Hi Milena, can you hear me?

Milena Origgi: Yes I can hear you!

Professor Roberta Virtuani: Thank you for being here Milena is connected from Boston so the time zone is quite different. Thank you Milena so we we are in class with the students of the Personal Development Course of the University Cattolica of the Holy heart. As you know I have already said something about your work and about yourself. You are a famous vocal coach working all over the world with many time zones that you meet every day. Milena is also very clever in languages she speaks currently four languages. She has a passion for Japanese and she has traveled a lot because she is very interested in knowing how people speak in different countries. Milena today will talk about interpersonal communication and the importance of the voice in communication. Thank you Milena, if you want to, you can start

Milena Origgi: okay perfect Roberta. So thank to all and especially to professor Roberta Virtuani because today will be for me a very important day, even if here in Boston it’s very, very early.

I will be very happy to explain to you what is very important about interpersonal communication, especially regarding the voice. So we will start today and we will talk about interpersonal communication.

Everybody can hear me roberta? and see me clearly? yes, yes okay . Perfect so I just move and give you the slides so you can see the slides. Today we will see exactly what makes interpersonal communication effective and what undermines it. It’s very important to recognize this two different things because we think that every single day just speaking and talking and having a relationship it’s very easy, but it’s not. There are very important things that can undermine this and can make communication less effective.

At any moment if there is something you don’t understand, don’t worry just, let me know and I will go a little bit slowly or check that the slides are on the video. So what is communication? Every day we spend at least 12 hours involved in some form of communication, so it’s a very important part of our life. We have got the reading part, 16 percent, we have got the writing one, that is the nine percent and then we have the speaking part that is a 30 percent and the one that we don’t think a lot is the listening one that is the 45 percent

I really want that you realize that speaking and listening are 75 percent, or more sometimes, of our daily communication. That’s very important because listening is not so different than speaking, because when you speak obviously you’re saying something and when you listen you are listening something but you are still involving your voice. Written communication misses a key factor. What is this key factor? Immediate feedback!

I really want to focus at the explanation about this immediate feedback. We just think that is something that is very normal, regular, standard. We don’t think a lot about that, but in reality to have an immediate feedback helps us a lot to know exactly how in the next communication we can improve or we can undermine it. Immediate feedback never forget it!

I want to say that the interpersonal communication is the best way to improve and grow your way to communicate because you have someone else feedback and that will help you a lot to understand where you are doing something wrongly or not instead of talking to yourself because when we talk to ourselves we don’t get immediate feedback, we don’t know that and if we don’t know the result, we don’t know what to do.

Every day of our life nine hours, I want to repeat clearly because people probably can think “okay I sleep eight hours by night”, but nine hours of our day are devoted, I like this word that i have selected, devoted to some form of voice communication.

I will give you just some glimpse during this speech about the importance of voice voice communication: why did i talk about voice communication? Because without voice, communication is impossible. We can write, we can read but it’s very, as i said before, not with an immediate feedback. It’s not practical, not easy and voice is everywhere.

If you listen, there’s a voice and if you speak is your voice everything that pass through the voice is a way to let the people know who you are if you are tuned with the other ones, if you are interested in the thing that the other one is saying or not.

So people I don’t want to say “judgement” because people don’t like this verb, but it’s real. If your voice is not in tune or is not very melted the communication will be very very difficult and hard

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Here is the second part of the Video about the Speech held for the Personal Development Course at Università Cattolica del Sacro Cuore – International Management Class – Faculty of Economics and Law in February 2021:

 

Here is the transcript of the Second Part of the Speech held for the Personal Development Course at Università Cattolica del Sacro Cuore – International Management Class – Faculty of Economics and Law in February 2021.

Milena Origgi: every time there is a mutual influence between individuals, we do experience interpersonal communication. Let’s see where we learn this kind of communication and our skills come from. Relationship with family. Yes, the first step is the family. Many of us doesn’t pay attention to that and think that it’s just family. We just talk each other, no!

I can give you just a short glimpse of my experience. Iin my family we are used, and we were used when I was a kid, to use a very good volume. Not obviously something that was too much shy and that experience helps me a lot today to be a person that is vocal. Then could be the relationship with friends and lovers. Especially at the beginning when you are in the adolescent moments, friends are very, very important. They can define if you will be a great speaker in the future or not. Shyness is something that is very hard but it’s possible to overcome. Lovers is something that is clear, I hope to everybody. Relationship with classmates, where you are now, or colleagues in the future. All these opportunities will be the moments that you will work on your interpersonal communication and as you can see all your life, nearly all your life, is related to these moments: family, friends, lovers, classmates and colleagues.

I discovered during more than 30 years of experience that all these will affect the physical and emotional health. It’s not very clear yet, but a relationship and an interpersonal communication can really touch and can really move your emotions. In my method I never disconnect the emotions and the voice, never. They are always connected. Why? Because the emotional part, obviously, has got a reflection on the physical one.So I really want that you pay attention to that. It’s not just talking, communicate, speaking or listening. Is deeper. It’s more important. If someone is telling you something that you don’t like and your emotion will be shaked, you will not be happy. I have so many clients that after a very rude voice from a boss or other people has got stomachache, has got headache. So think about that: interpersonal communication is a key of our life, especially the healthy part.

What is the single most important factor affecting a communication? You know that? You can imagine? let’s see. The way you deliver it! I really like this slide, because I like to fly and especially i like to travel a lot as Roberta said before. The way you deliver a message is pivotal, is absolutely essential and guess what? The way that we can deliver message is absolutely something that happen through our voice. If you deliver a message correctly you will be happy if you deliver a message with fear or if you deliver a message you’re not satisfied, you’re not connected with them, that will not be easy. So I really want to explain it again, or say it again. The way you deliver it and when you think about that you can imagine thousands of reactions, many people.You say something with a specific voice or a very low volume voice and everybody thinks that you’re just saying something but it’s not important. Or if you use too much volume or you use too much determination in your voice a little bit too harsh oh, could be for the other one like a command, something that he or she doesn’t want to do. So the way you deliver it is very very important and voice is involved more in the 70 percent of the delivery

Where we can learn how to deliver a message? From the experience. I will never stop today to talk and say to all of you and I hope that everybody can hear and see me perfectly because this message is very important Experience. We need to practice. So don’t be afraid to do that. It’s funny. For me it was and it is still a funny moment, but experience is the key. When you experience your own delivery you get back immediately a feedback. What is very important, you are able to train your connection and if you experience that you can really “feel” more than “understand”, who is a person that is interested in what you are saying or who is not.

I know that body could be relevant or important but voice is more and more, I can say deep. A deep way to feel, listen, understand, if the other one is available to communication or not and if it’s not don’t go forward. If it’s yes let’s check.

What I want to explain today to all of you, that is very important part of my job, is that I have discovered so many nuances in how we deliver and how we experience the interpersonal communication and as i said before the experience is absolutely something that requires the practice. If you don’t practice you don’t get anything back.

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Here is the third and last part of the Video about the Speech held for the Personal Development Course at Università Cattolica del Sacro Cuore – International Management Class – Faculty of Economics and Law in February 2021:

 

Here is the transcript of the Third and last Part of the Speech held for the Personal Development Course at Università Cattolica del Sacro Cuore – International Management Class – Faculty of Economics and Law in February 2021.

Milena Origgi: As we age our ability to learn slow down.

Professor Roberta Virtuani: Just a moment Milena, I have talked about experience and practice before it was not intended, it is really casual and i’m happy that also Milena is highlighting this point. So you can use the current version of this, thank you

Milena Origgi: Thanks to you Roberta. So just to remind that I hope that now is a little bit more clear. Practice and experience. So don’t be afraid!

As we age our ability to learn slow down. I suppose all of you are a little bit younger than me, so please practice, enjoy, because age will give you a sort of less ability. I don’t want to say definitely, but could be and now i can explain why. Communication skills are a long term procedural memory. It’s something that i always repeat to my clients or students or trainee. Long-term procedural memory. It’s something that is deep. It’s something that is profound, intense. It go deep in ourselves and it becomes our second nature. I always say keep practicing, keep flowing, and it will become your second nature.

Something that happens and you don’t know exactly how, but it is happening. I really want to do something very funny because I love colors and i love different situation. Sometimes is not very simple and easy. You need to imagine to start to ride a bike, like a kid. Well, like you were a kid. It does not require thinking, no. You don’t need to think how to ride the bicycle and if you think too much, it doesn’t work.

Is it very difficult to transfer the know-how. How can i ride the bicycle? How? You can talk for hours and hours but if you don’t practice it, if it doesn’t become a long-term procedural memory, you will never be able to do that. Many of you probably will stop and say “I’m not riding a bicycle since 10 years, why am i still able to ride a bicycle after 10 years?”. That’s because is a long term procedural memory, so there is no way to explain “how” with words. You need to practice, you need your body to be involved. Your senses. And once learned it’s very difficult to change your reactions. I’m now creating a sort of relationship between riding a bike and the interpersonal communication. Is the same, in a simple way. If you decide to change the way the steering of the bike works, by swapping left and right, it will be very very hard to ride it again, not only for the brain, but first of all for the procedural memory that is deeper

Learning a good start is half a battle, english people say. So if you start well, you will surely have a great result because to change in the future the reactions, it will not be easy. That’s a very important part of my job. Many people comes have got a specific voice, have got a specific way to breathe, and other technicalities, but they are not able to switch to the new ones. So I need to go deeper to find the wrong key and try to substitute with the right one, but it requires a lot of experience from my point of view to find that direction, to free my client with the voice and with the communication, all of these these, two kids that are on the bike, defines success or failure

So success or failure. Are you taking your communication skills for granted? I don’t like this thinking, never. We have a voice? yes. Everybody can speak. I always listen people say:”I have a voice so I can speak”. That’s not true: it’s an instrument if you use it well, you get back a lot of results. You can imagine how many. So don’t take it for granted. Why? As I like colors, lights with colors, get back to this situation. Imagine different environments and this could be your different situation where you need to train your interpersonal communication. You can be on a unicycle, hanging by a thread and you’re not able to do something. That’s the same thing when you are in front of the boss, and you’re very afraid you don’t know what to say. You try to balance yourself and say “oh what can i say”, “what about my voice”, “what about the communication that i’m doing” “I don’t know what to do”. So don’t take your voice for granted. You can be on sand and will be hard to ride the bicycle. If you want to spin on your pedals and move it’s impossible and could be a communication that people can in some way think that you are not in the right environment, you’re too shy. You can be on a sort of ice and you can slip on the ice . You don’t feel yourself comfortable and you can have a sort of hand bike, so you don’t need anymore to use your legs but your hands.

These are just some ideas of why you don’t need to take your voice and your communication skills for granted, especially your voice. You need to be elastic you need to be very flexible, malleable, ductile, because there is a lot involved in this interpersonal communication and there is always more to learn, but with fun. Never forget that I love to learn with fun, learning is adventure, learning is adaptive and learning is advantage, a very huge advantage.

Where to learn communication skills? we have got the theory from written and recorded sources: language, grammar, vocabulary, and so forth. Then we have got the practice from mentors and interpersonal communication, that is a very important value. I can speak just about voice because I am a voice coach. Voice for me is the key and you have discovered today that is more than 75 percent of our interpersonal communication. Voice volume, voice tone, voice rhythm, and so forth. I can stay hours and hours, don’t think that voice is just volume, tone and rhythm, please. I need probably another lesson to explain better the importance of the voice. Consider that there are different nuances and i like very much this part of the slide.

If your mentor is the best, you can become the best, especially with communication skills. So you can decide to be enough, good, better or best. Why? Because when you’re learning from a mentor that is very good you are learning from his or her own procedural memories. Do you remember that? I can’t explain the know how? the two kids with the bikes? Same thing here. Leaders spend 10 to 50 percent of their time mentoring future leaders. Mentoring, so stay side by side and get the meaning interpersonal communication.

Now we have a summary, a resume of what i have said till now, but especially to have a clear idea. Self-confidence from experience and engage in delivering the message is something that will give you back a success and lack of confidence and engaging in controlling the delivery. Controlling the delivery, no! it’s wrong. So in the positive part we have the ability to listen, ability to tune with someone that is talking with you. Do not only consider tuning like in music, harmony, no. It’s more deeper. You need to be involved, more sensible and sensitive, elasticity. Social decentering. Many people doesn’t know that, so i want to explain a little bit when someone is able to, I don’t want to say understand, but it’s able to fit himself or herself in a group well, he feels at ease. So you’re not thinking about you, you’re thinking about the environment. You are part of the group. Ability to wait the right moment. With voice especially, is very important. Is not just a matter of when I need to stop or restart talking. Pay attention to the rhythm. Empathizing.

On the other side we have overthinking. I always suggest don’t think too much, don’t overthink. The brain shut down in some way and the voice go in a different direction. Overreacting. This is not good got any message, the delivery of the message is totally wrong. Information overload. You speak too much and the other ones are not following you anymore. Imposing yourself. Inability to wait the right moment. Listener apprehension. Many of my clients has got this problem, do you know? so what it is? is exactly “I’m thinking what the other one is thinking about me”. I’m thinking “oh what is happening, what they are thinking about me”. If you start to think like that you know what will happen.

I’m just nearly to finish this speech. I want to explain very clearly voice takes 75 percent, 75 percent of interpersonal communication and I could say more because sometimes we write a text message and we don’t know how to talk with the other person that is saying “I didn’t understand your message”. I didn’t understand your text message so you need to use the voice again to explain because the voice has got exactly these different vibes and people can feel more than think the real emotion of the other one so “it’s not what you say, but it’s how you say it“.

Communication skills are not gauged in moments of comfort but in moments of challenge and controversy so if you want to live up, consider that and if you want to live up a challenge or you want to improve and really you want to enjoy it so there are many things to say a lot so I just suggest to everybody and now i’m trying to come back to me that my book that you have already seen (Mylena Voice Coach book: The Way of the Voice) you can find everything there of what I’m saying because the the argument is very huge is a broad spectrum argument and it’s a broad situation

You can really consider the voice not just a simple instrument but a very important key of our interpersonal communication. I hope to be in the right timing Roberta so i have a lot of clocks around me so I suppose that it’s finished and I hope that everybody has got my message.

Professor Roberta Virtuani: yes thank you Milena we have followed you clearly. We appreciated your presentation. (to the class) Do you have any question that you would like to ask to Milena? the importance of the voice for interpersonal communication yeah, it is a very important aspect and you have shown us the situation when it is important to be able to manage the voice to improve your communication. So I think we can stop here and see you next week with you and thank you very much Milena for have been with us and we will see later on

Milena Origgi: thank you perfect thanks to all of you thanks professor Roberta and i hope that you enjoyed that and that you start to practice. Thank you so much bye bye from Boston!

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